NFL Week 11 Predictions and Picks

“I pride myself on taking chances,” says Favre. “There’s not a throw I don’t think I can make, or a phone call. I’m as free with my passes as I am with Packer game plans. Cassel is strictly by the book. His idea of ‘taking a chance’ is changing the snap count from ‘one’ to ‘two.’ Lately, though, Cassel has shown some Tom Brady-like qualities. He’s looking for Randy Moss more, and he’s dating a hand model, whom I’m believe goes by the name ‘Lefty.’”

While the Cassel-to-Moss connection hasn’t produced nearly the same numbers as the Brady-to-Moss hookup did, Moss hasn’t complained at all, and he remained the consummate professional.

“I’m not sure what you’re implying,” says Moss, “but regardless of how comfortable I get with Matt, I don’t plan to ‘consummate’ anything with him. Oh, you mean the other’consummate.’ You threw me. It’s not often I’m called the ‘consummate professional.’ You know it’s a pretty sad state of affairs for wide receivers when I’m the poster boy for good behavior. While other receivers are criticizing quarterbacks and coaches, or doing cocaine in public, or planning ill-conceived praise for our president-elect, or making out with their coach, I’m going about my business. I’m living proof that the most humbling experience in football is a flight out of Oakland.”

The Jets signed former cornerback Ty Law, not for his “picks,” but to “pick” his brain for Patriot tendencies. It’s proof that Eric Mangini will go to any lengths to get a jump on his former boss, Bill Belichick, who will also go to any length, particularly 8 millimeters, for a competitive edge. If you like semi-unethical information gathering methods, this is the game for you – “The Ice” Mangini versus “The Fantastic Voyeur” Belichick.

Favre throws for 2 short touchdowns, and the Jets win, 24-21. After the game, Belichick coldly congratulates Mangini with the most awkward chest bump in NFL history.

“We won’t take them lightly,” says Mike Smith. “Cutler may not have the strongest arm in the history of recorded time, but he definitely has the strongest arm on his body. And Brandon Marshall is a powerful receiver, capable of pulling amazing catches out of the air and presidential tributes out of his pants. Say what you will about the shortcomings of the AFC West, but one thing is for certain about that division – there will be a wildcard team advancing to the second round of the playoffs at the expense of the West division winner.”

Matt Ryan threw for 248 yards and 2 touchdowns last week against the Saints, and this Sunday, the Falcons will face a defense that has even less to offer than the Saints.

“You must be referring to ‘resistance,’” says Ryan. “What’s softer? Brandon Marshall or the Bronco defense? With apologies to Joey Porter, I’d have to say the Bronco defense, a unit which considers an opponent’s touchdown a ‘stop.’ Technically, I guess that’s true. As for Cutler, our defensive scheme is to show him some looks that he didn’t see in Cleveland, like ‘coverage.’”

With a week off, the Broncos have had time to make defensive adjustments. That means defensive coordinator Bob Slowik has scrapped the “Cover Who?” defense in favor of a more concrete defensive ploy. Luckily for the Falcons, the new Denver defense is like a one-color Rubik’s Cube – easily solved. Atlanta wins, 31-21.

Minnesota @ Tampa Bay (-4):at the Vikes must ride if they are to claim the division crown.The Vikes share the lead in the NFC North after a narrow 28-27 win over Green Bay, made possible by a big day from Adrian Peterson and a dominant defensive effort that held the Packers to 184 total yards. That formula of a strong rushing attack and a sturdy defense is wh

“When this team stays focused,” says Brad Childress, “we’re dangerous. Staying focused in Tampa will be difficult, especially with a huge distraction like a boat, of all things, in the end zone. Has that pirate ship always been there, or did the Bucs place it there in a nefarious attempt to rekindle a situation this team has tried to put behind it? For God’s sake, no one say ‘permission to come aboard.”

“In light of Kevin and Pat Williams drug testing issues, I would expect nothing less than to see a ‘Whizzinator’ in the other end zone. No, the ‘Whizzinator’ is not a cyborg assassin sent to earth to destroy any human who dares try to beat a drug test. I’m talking about the apparatus that allows you to walk in to a drug test and easily whip out a clean urine sample.”

The Bucs are 6-3, second in the NFC South, and 4-0 at home. A victory over the Vikings hinges on Tampa’s red zone efficiency. Too often this year, the Bucs have settled for field goals when their offense stalled inside their opponent’s 20-yard line.

“Our red zone offense has left me ‘kicking and screaming,’” says Jon Gruden. “As for the University of Tennessee head coaching job? I’m not interested. I’m a highly-paid professional coach. Why the heck would I do ‘Volunteer’ work?”

What’s the plan for the Bucs? Load up the box, take Adrian Peterson out of the game, and force Gus Frerotte to throw into man coverage. That’s just how Tampa defensive coordinator Monte Kiffin chiseled it into a stone tablet. It’s a close one, but the Bucs win, 19-16.

“While much has changed in Baltimore since then,” says John Harbaugh, “one thing has remained constant, and that’s the presence of Ray Lewis in the middle of the defense. It’s no fun looking across and seeing the piercing gaze of Lewis staring back at you. Whether it’s a Parchesi board, a pane of glass, or the line of scrimmage separating you and Ray, it’s frightening to know that his attention is all on you. It will be a test of wills when Eli Manning and Ray face off. Manning is a master of disguising what he’s thinking. That’s usually because, no matter the situation, he always looks confused.”

“I know the Ravens will come after me like a bunch of crazed dogs,” says Manning. “I hate to steal a line from the great Lawrence Taylor, but heaven knows, I’m sure he’s stolen his share of lines in his day. We’ll be ready to play, and I’m sure Plaxico Burress will, at the very least, be in uniform. Ready to play? Maybe. Heck, I might just call a short crossing pattern for Plaxico just so Lewis can flatten him and Coach Coughlin can taunt Plax.”

Baltimore’s defense will keep them in the game, but in the fourth quarter, when big-game experience matters, Manning will make the plays that Joe Flacco cannot. Giants win, 19-10.

“Nothing will rejuvenate a career like taking some direct snaps from center,” says Williams. “It’s just like I discovered when I started a florescent-lit ‘garden’ in my attic – everything’s better without the middleman. It’s like my career has been resuscitated, or I’ve been given a mouth-to-mouth breath of new life. A few years ago, I guess I would have called that a ‘shotgun,’ which is exactly how I take snaps from center now. So, it looks like everything has come full circle.”

In Oakland, ‘offensive ineptitude’ is the word, although ‘grease’ is the word in Al Davis’ hair. Last week, the Raiders managed only two Sebastian Janikowski field goals in a 17-6 loss to the Panthers. Oakland has now gone nine straight quarters without scoring an offensive touchdown.

“I guess you could say we can’t score without Janikowski,” says Tom Cable. “Which is bothersome, because I’ve found that if you need Janikowski to ‘score,’ then you’re in trouble, most likely with law enforcement in relation to slipping certain substances into the drinks of unsuspecting co-eds. Maybe we should try that on some opposing defenses.”

With a 2-7 record and coming off such a dismal performance, the flight from Oakland to Miami will be long and arduous, mostly because the charter plane lacks such amenities as leather upholstery, personalized sleeping quarters, and an assistant named Renfield, amenities found in Al Davis’ chartered hearse. Miami wins, 22-9.

“Do I have to say it again?” says Edwards. “You play to win the game. I felt that was our only chance to win the game. There was no way our fatigued defense could stop their offense. Does that sound like a clich